Funeral For A Clown

Late last year, one of the member in our clown club passed away due to heart complications. It was a very sad moment. All of us in the club planned on attending the memorial service. His family, though, had an interesting request: he wanted up all to dress up as clowns. Oh, and also have our van roll up to play fun music.

I can’t say we weren’t apprehensive. We were all apprehensive. You don’t just put on clown costume and act all goofy when your amidst people who are still hurting for loss. But his widow insisted she wanted a celebration of life. I rationalized that people like Jim Henson had memorial services that were unconventional but still respected the man. So a dozen of us put on our costumes and make-up and attended the memorial service.

Understandably, people looked at us strangely when we arrived. Who wouldn’t? But it turned out to be a crucial aspect of the funeral after all. The speakers shared how much or fellow clown had meant to the community — whether it was as a clown, as an announcer, as a Santa, as an events planner — and having a bunch of clowns show up emphasized how much of an impact he had left. The pastor had even mentioned, “I had heard about the clown thing… he’d clowned at our church … but I didn’t realized how BIG it was.”

In the end, we were welcome with open arms, and everyone remembered how our clown just loved everyone. I can’t say I’d do it again… but hey, my motto has always been, “Live your life like you want to write an interesting chapter in your autobiography.” I gotta say, going to a funeral as a clown is right up there.

Creepy South Carolinians spot a clown

So this is making the news: creepy clown sightings in South Carolina.

The first thing that strikes me: how lazy news outlets are at picking stock footage.  I mean… come on, Fifth Estate.  Are you really going to be posting photos of the International Clown Convention in Mexico?  Of performers who just want to bring joy and merriment to children with delightful antics?  Posting clown-themed cosplayers from a comic convention would be way more appropriate… but, you know, cosplayers might get angry.  Clowns… we’ll just squirt you with water from a flower and then honk a bicycle horn or something.

Secondly, apparently someone has a photo of the guy.  And I gotta say… that costume?  That is some Party City garbage.  How does he expect that to last?  I mean, let me tell you… I started off wearing Party City style clown outfits, and while they’re fine at first, they don’t really let you move.  The stitching is abysmal, but that’s what you get when you order everything from Oriental Trading.

Do yourself a favor, South Carolina clown guy: pony up for a decent outfit at Mooseburger Originals.  The clothes fit well and are long lasting.  My original clown pants were discolored in the wash, which was my fault… but I still reuse them because the material is top notch!  You can use it when you’re kicking back in your cabin in the middle of the woods, or when you’re driving around in your black car, or when you’re paying Pokemon Go!  Yes, I know what you’re saying… it’s pricey.  But Rob Zombie seems to be doing pretty well for himself, and he can front you the cash.

Finally, we cannot discount that this clown is just confused and disoriented.  He is in the South Carolina woods, after all!  They’re famous for being home to gators and pirates and chupacabras.  What’s he going to do when he gets lost?  I mean, he probably offered those kids cash so he could get an Uber home.  Instead it’s just some of that good old South Carolina hospitality: shotguns to the face.  I can understand sticking that in the face of the revenuer, but clowns are just as afraid of you as your are of it.  Just sit him down, talk with him, and see if you can get him back to his clown family.